FUNNY QUOTES BY AMBROSE BIERCE "An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to." "An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" Samuel Goldwyn. "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful? God said to man --- So that you will love them. Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb? God said to man --- So that they will love you.

In the book of Samuel, David fought the giant, using just a sling and stones, a boy quite self-reliant. In a stream along the way, David found some rocks. He selected five of them and stuffed them in his socks. He called the giant, called him names, said things ab

FUNNY QUOTES BY EMO PHILIPS "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." "I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him." "My class

FUNNY QUOTES BY LARRY FLYNT "There's nothing that will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large sums." "If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not to me." "The major

Women should learn these! Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opport

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his

Three chicks were stranded on an deserted island - a brunette, redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” She swam out five miles and got really tired, by th