This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect h

Women should learn these! Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opport

She's so ugly that: •    when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks! •    even the elephant man paid to see her! •    the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it! •    we p

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and sa

I asked an angel 2 watch over u, but he back sooner than xpected!i asked y?He said "an angel doesnt need 2 watch over an angel!" What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much

I get up in the morning and greet it with a sigh, Shuffle from the bedroom with hair and brain awry, Totter to the bathroom with sorta knock-kneed gait To beat an urgent urging, that does not want to wait. Today I'll write some verse I think Pick up the pen and spread the ink

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days". The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT CHILDREN "Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children." Sam Levinson. "Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off." Ralph Bus. "There are

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT SPORTS "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." Mario Andretti. "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield. &quo

Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her. She has a thicker moustache than you. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describi