• Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

   

• If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

   

• Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

   

• Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

   

• Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

   

• Please don't drive when you're not driving.

   

• Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

   

• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

   

• When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

   

• What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

   

• When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

   

• When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

   

• The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

   

• SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

   

• Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

   

• If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

   

• You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

   

• It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!