Funny stuff - Funny lists

Funny joke list , lots of jokes, online humor, funny short story

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beee

 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17inch paper, 99 copies. 2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen whi

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had

 1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans. 5. Find out what a frog in a blender reall

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an inte

20 Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am! 19 Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green. 18 Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states. 17 Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song. 16 Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpoo

You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren't there. You tur

17. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family. 16. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 15. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer. 14. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 13.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. I set half the clocks in my house ahead

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your ta

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. Wear a cape that

# 1 A good old coinpurse. # 2 Grandma's doush bag. # 3 An infant's everyday shoes. # 4 Toungue warmer for FAGS. # 5 Doornob grip. # 6 Fingerpuppet for preschooler. # 7 Disk drive cover. # 8 Trash bag for a midget. # 9 Baby-bottle nipple. #10 Museum exibit. #11 Playboy's nipple cover. #

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. 3. After turni

1.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 2.A few clowns short of a circus. 3.An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 4.The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 5.All foam, no beer. 6.Has an IQ of 2 but... it takes 3 to grunt. 7.Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 8.Co

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. 3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. 4. Two words: Chicken suit. 5. Write th

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to move. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily noise. Say, "Hmmm,

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'may I borrow a highlighter?' 2. Say, 'uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, 'D

Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?" Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile. Call t