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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scop

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost cont

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was

 1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans. 5. Find out what a frog in a blender reall

There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years. One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life." So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, atten

Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit when

The early days of wedded bliss Held passion wild, untamed; but with the passing of the years This lusty fervor waned. "We'll have to find a cure to stem This indolence within," She thought, and then devised a plan Her husband's warmth to win. When he re

I've smoked fatter joints than that.   Ahhhh, it's cute.   Why don't we just cuddle?   You know they have surgery to fix that.   Make it dance.   Can I paint a smiley face on it?   Wow, and your feet are so big.   Will it squeak if

Why It's Great to be a Woman We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. Taxis stop for us. We don't look like a f

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01am, the first person came

FUNNY QUOTES BY LARRY FLYNT "There's nothing that will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large sums." "If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not to me." "The major

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to the

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control. Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employe

WOMEN <=> MAN •    RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months af

When you are dating... Farting is never an issue. When you are married... You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married... He brings home a six pack, and says "What are you goin

Combating Stupidity   You, too, can do housework   PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.   How to fill an ice tray   We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money